Come on...write me a long song

Given that this month the Grammy Foundation is about to hold their annual banquet honoring achievements in music, I feel that it is timely to discuss a particular problem I have been having with the music industry. You see, songs are written about everything these days; partying “In Da Club”, flying “Paper Planes”, even kissing girls…and liking it. Yet it is clear that, despite this generation’s ability to write songs about an array of subjects, no one seems to be able to write a good, old fashioned, love song.

Yes, this is the kryptonite of songwriters these days, as they all seem to be falling short of the brilliant examples set by the music of yester-year. No one can seem to get it right. Every song I hear is either too strange (note Usher’s lyric “I want to make love in this club”), just blatantly creepy (Clay Aiken’s classic line, “If I were invisible, I could just watch you in your room”), or somewhere strangely in between (Ludacris’ perplexing, “I want to l-l-l-lick you from your head to your toe”).

Some artists have even stopped trying to write love songs, which to me is even a greater faux pas. One such artist is Sara Bareilles, whose ironic song “Love Song” boasts the lyrics, “I’m not gonna write you a love song”. It’s not her fault, though, because after hearing her angry and resilient lyrics, I don’t think Bareilles has a soul to love with.

More than anything, however, I just want to stop the metaphors; it’s too much work for me to figure out what you’re talking about. 50 Cent, do you think that Marvin Gaye needed to take a girl to the “Candy Shop”? Of course not, the man got to the point swiftly and told his woman, “Hey, let’s get it on” (and, of course, by “get it on” he was referring to “getting on” a respectful and mature relationship, the basis of which was love and commitment…what did you think he meant?).

Of course, even songs from what I like to consider the “golden age” of “macktastic” music had its faults. Elton John’s “You Song” has a lyric that reads, “If I were a sculptor, but then again no, or a man who makes potions, in a traveling show”. You decide what that kafuffle of words means to you, because to me it just means that Elton John is completely out of his mind.

Songs from these days, though, have problems far beyond Elton John’s psyche ward lyrics. John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” creates problems for me on its own. How am I supposed to enjoy a piece of music when I’m very concerned that John Mayer is somewhere out there dancing with a girl while slowly burning to death?

Mr. Mayer, if it’s literal, please get out of there so we can rest easy knowing you’re safe. If it’s a metaphor, once again, you’re making me work too hard. Just hope that I figure it out before I make another phony call to the fire department, as they’re still bitter following my emergency call about Elvis Presley’s “Burning Love” problem.

I guess, truthfully, it comes down to someone’s ability to truly touch your heart with a piece of music, and to move you to feel what you they’re feeling. Songs like “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” and “My Girl” really let me connect to the music. Yet I have a hard time allowing someone who claims to love “big butts” to touch me, mainly because I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with it.

As I listen to music nowadays I can’t help but feel like we’re being cheated out of our money. I’m sick of being sold these so called “love songs”, as all they do is make me love songs from back in the day even more. So I’ll listen to people tell me to “Just Dance” and “Crack a Bottle”, but my love songs from a lost generation? Well, in the words of Barry White, “I’m Never Never Gonna Give You Up”.