Sports: Hard Work, Perseverance, and Fireworks

These days, many sports are trying to tone down the amount of showboating athletes do during a game. Punishments have come in the form of penalties, fines, and sometimes, even suspensions. Players say that while over the top celebrations should not necessarily be encouraged, they should at least be condoned.

Unfortunately, I can not seem to get behind either side in this case because, frankly, I believe that athletes should not only be allowed to celebrate all that they want, it should be mandatory for them to do so. Nothing gets me more excited than watching a athlete getting paid millions to play a children’s game celebrate a routine play by making a mockery of their opponent. After all, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how awesome you make yourself look.

Now, the National Football League says that they need to maintain the “integrity” of their sport by banning excessive celebrations. They say that they don’t want their league turning into a group of thugs and criminals, stealing the sportsmanship out of the game they claim to “love”.

You know what NFL, my judge and jury says you’re the criminal. The crime? Depriving the children of America the opportunity to see what sports is really about.

Yes, the children; how are kids going to know the proper technique for pulling a pen out of their sock after a touchdown, signing the ball, and tossing it into the stands? How are they going to know the correct way to plant a cell phone on the field, pick it up, and use it to call their families on live, national, television? If wide receivers Terrell Owens and Joe Horn had not authored these so called “shenanigans”, I would have no idea what it takes to be a professional athlete.

I play baseball, which is quite a tough game to look awesome in, as there is very little room for personal celebration. That’s why I’ve developed my own little routine for the upcoming season, one that will hopefully show the kids of America that if they believe in their dreams, anything is possible. It’ll go a little something like this:

They’ll call my name, and as I walked out to the field, “God Bless America” will be playing in the background. I’ll pay some sophomore 10 bucks to set off fireworks in the outfield, as a group of POW’s salute me with tears rolling down their cheek. For each strike I throw during the game, I’ll take off my shirt, toss it into the stands and yell to the other team that I am a direct offspring of Nike, Greek Goddess of Victory, and that their efforts in this match are futile.

You can do it, too, no matter what your sport or activity. If you are in gymnastics, and you complete a successful routine, run back, grab the hand rosin, toss in the air and dance as you proclaim yourself the greatest thing in gymnastics since hand rosin. If you are in the chess club, every time you get your opponent in “check”, knock over the chess board, stand up, shimmy a little and scream, “Quit searching, Bobby Fisher's been found, bitch!"

If you’re a skier, every time you are successful, take off one of your skis, run over to the opposing side and beat one their players to within inches of death. SIDE NOTE: I’m told this is what’s called “aggravated assault”, and that it is in fact a crime, yet knowing that you have taken part in the true meaning of sports should be reward enough.

From when Babe Ruth allegedly “called his shot” in the middle of baseball game, to when Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson asked a cheerleader to marry him after a touchdown, sports have always been about drawing attention to yourself. Just remember, if it’s not mentioned in the rulebook, then it can’t be against the rules. Until they specifically say that I’m not allowed to have Las Vegas showgirls and a flock of flamingos escort me to the mound each inning, it’s all fair game to me.