Halloween Hank

Every Halloween, I go out trick-or-treating and watch all the young children pass me as they say things like, “Aren’t you a little old to be trick or treating?” and “Nice John Stamos costume, loser!” and “Hey! That’s my candy!” I just lower my head and walk away, knowing that these kids know nothing about what Halloween is truly about: pure, unadulterated fear.

I miss the times when Halloween was all about being scared. It was the time when the dead could walk amongst the living, bringing sickness and bad harvests to all those that crossed them. There used to be bonfires, where people would throw the bones of slaughtered livestock into the flames, all while wearing masks to honor the dead, but no longer; now it’s all about “Fun Size” candy, best dressed competitions and oddly provocative outfits (ladies).

Enter Halloween’s new mascot: Halloween Hank.

Halloween Hank will change everything, by getting back to the good old days and scaring the life out of your kids. He’ll hide in the bushes, and when your kids get close, he’ll jump out and rip his shirt off, as he holds the bones of slaughtered livestock and screams, “They ruined my harvest, they ruined my harvest!” He will then run off and start a fire in front of your house to honor the spirits that walk among you.

Now, some “nay sayers” and “angry mothers with lawyers” and “farmers with missing livestock” will tell you that Halloween Hank is an evil notion, some people have even gone so far as to call him a “wanted felon”. These people, however, simply don’t see the positives of having Halloween Hank around.

First, he builds your children’s character. The next time your kids are walking down the street, do you think they’re going to be afraid if a guy comes out with a knife and demands their money? Hey, after some dude comes out of nowhere with slaughtered cow in each hand, an everyday mugging just isn’t scary anymore.

Second, you won’t even have to engage in the awkward “he’s not real talk” with your kids. Halloween Hank is very real, and very frightening. He doesn’t wait for your kids to go to sleep; he prevents them from doing so.

Truthfully, at his core, Halloween Hank is just as scary an idea as a dude in pajamas that breaks into your house and is rumored to “know when you are sleeping”, or a fairy that makes his way into your children’s bedroom and gives them money for disassembling their mouth. We’re already trying to freak out our kids; Halloween Hank is just here to finish the job.

So call him a “menace to society” and “some dude with too much time on his hands”. Despite the pending lawsuits, restraining orders and the obvious therapy needed for all who meet him, Halloween Hank will be out October 31st to spread the holiday fear. Let’s see the Easter Bunny top that.