What They Would Never Let Me Write For the Newspaper...

While sitting late at home one night, a commercial caught my attention. It began innocently enough, as it showed a group of men all over 50 sitting around for a little jam session. They begin with a funky little tune about how they want to get home to see their significant others at home, and one can only assume what will follow.

Then the line happened: "VIVA VIAGRA!" They sang it with such triumphant glee that I actually stumbled to find the remote to change the channel.

There are a few things wrong with this commercial. First, why, if they have taken Viagra, are they all sitting around talking about it? Is this reality? Do men pride themselves on their erectile disfunction? Apparently, not being able to get it up the way nature intended is something that is worth singing about (and I was embarrassed to write a song about my STD, silly me!).

Secondly, it's simply creepy. I think we can all agree to this fact. No one wants to see this. In no way is this cute, clever, or entertaining, it just makes me feel worse about being a man.

But I won't pick on Viagra, that would be mean and unlike me. I'll move on to Cialis.

There are so many things that shock me about Cialis commercials, I honestly have been staring at my computer for 10 minutes trying to think where to begin, so I've just decided with the most obvious one:

36 hours...THIRTY SIX HOURS!!!! And how do they justify this? By saying "The right time could get interrupted." By what, a surprise day trip to the cabin that no one warned you about? Was this happening frequently enough to users of ED medicine for it to be a legitimate concern at Cialis board meetings (which I can imagine are the sexiest meetings around...just saying)?

What I hate most is that they show examples of how you can get interrupted, like walking past a window and seeing another couple that they know in a restaurant. Talk about the ultimate cock-block, I mean come on. The men of the relationships have got to use some signal or code that just says, "Dude, I'm on The Big C and I'm about to get some...don't be a douche."

Or how about the girl coming home from college without warning? That's a whole new set of issues right there, she's probably been kicked out and has been doing questionable things to make ends meet. I mean, come on, she didn't even know how to use a phone to call her parents and tell them she was coming. You're not fooling anyone with that "STATE" sweatshirt you wench, you came back to mooch off your horny parents.

Lastly, what about the bath tubs? First of all, let's ignore the fact that there are two of them and they are just holding hands while using ED medicine (which is some weird old people foreplay apparently not understood to those born after the Ice Age), who the hell has two Victorian style bathtubs just sitting in their backyard? That alone gives me the chills, and if I saw my neighbors doing that, I might just move, because I'd deem them freaks.

I'm sure karma will come back to bite me, and I'll end up needing one of these two medications one day. But let me say this, if I ever did need ED medication, I wouldn't sing about it with a bunch of other guys with ED. And if another man ever tried to cock-block me and ruin my moment in the sun on Cialis like the douche in the commercial, I'd quote a YouTube video whose famous line was, "Not now chief, I'm in the fucking zone."